Oh GOP, How I missed thee.
Ladies and Gentlemen, the Grand Old Party! I’m so glad to have it back.
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| "I heard the 'Gotcha' from back there, it's got to be Sarah, I swear!" |
It’s been too long. In 2008, the Democrats soaked up all the attention during the primaries, (although the GOP did give us Sarah Palin’s 6 week-long meltdown that was too short) and in 2004, George W. skated through the primaries. But now we’ve got eight Republicans on stage, pandering to the lowest common, most conservative denominator, in all of their glory.
The Republicans are all worked up on the national debt. The best moment of the night was when the moderator asked all ten candidates to raise their hands if they would pass a compromise measure to reduce the national debt that included $10 in spending cuts for every $1 in revenue increases. There was an awkward moment when they all tried to look at each other’s hands and see what they were doing. Well here’s a WWBBD exclusive: the thought process of eight Republican candidates “Well, ofcourse I would take that deal, that is an amazing number that is way better than anyone on the Hill could hope to negotiate, super-committee or not, but this is a Republican primary, so I’m going to raise my hands if they do, are they doing it? Okay, I’ll do it."
I’ll save you the suspense. All eight of them rejected the sweetheart deal that the GOP should be willing to kill for. So, from a policy perspective, that's what we're dealing with here. Without further ado let’s meet this year’s field.
The Favorites? (AKA One of these people could seriously be President?)
Mitt Romney: Well, he still is the most Republicanniest looking of them all. He made it clear he was running against Barack Obama, and did sneak in a snarky line on O: “How can someone who’s never had a job create jobs,” that has the perfect amount of veiled racism for a Republican debate in Iowa.
Although, let’s break down his novel take on Federalism.
Questioned on Massachusetts’ Health Care Reform, which Obamacare was patterned after, and Romney passed (Pawlenty calls the national reform Obomney care, which although a terrible pun or whatever literary construction it is, isn’t a terrible line).His position is as follows: the Massachusetts Health Care Reform was (and still is?) good for Massachusetts because it makes the uninsured take responsibility for themselves, pay their own way, which helps reduce costs (Barack must have been laughing watching Mitt explain the virtues of his plan through the conservative lens).
But ultimately, this is a States Rights issue, and what is good for Massachusetts isn’t good for the country, so he would instruct his future HHS secretary to issue an Obamacare waiver on his first day in office. Okay, okay. States Rights is a basic tenet of conservatism, so at least Mitt has found a way to justify his position as ghost-writer of his sworn enemy’s signature legislation.
BUT THEN. On the issue of gay marriage, Romney believes that since gays that marry in one state may be able to ride bikes, drive cars or even buy bus tickets AND cross state lines we need to have an AMENDMENT TO THE CONSTITUTION OF THE UNITED STATES so that those industrious gays can’t marry in other states, or have their marriages recognized. Okay, well this is a Republican primary, or a game of “How right can you go?” so this isn’t so bad.
But does he not realize he argued FOR and AGAINST state rights within mere breaths of each other: We shall call Mitt the Anti-Anti-Federalist.
Tim Pawlenty: I’m sorry Tim, you’re just not that interesting. He wants voters to take him seriously, so he took swings at Obama, Romney and Bachmann, and is VERY PROUD of his record. However, it was two terms in Minnesota bro, it’s not like you killed Bin Laden. I did enjoy the fact that he took credit for a shutdown of the Minnesota State Government as he was governor. We’ll call him the World’s Least Interesting Man.
Michelle Bachmann: Mad Eyes Michelle stood out being the only woman up there, and was attacked as a front-runner type which is a good thing, and yet she still can’t seem to look directly into the camera. It’s very distracting. Newsweek already did a number on her, so I’ll spare her any further damage. She did claim that Standard and Poor’s downgrade of the US credit rating vindicated her position on the credit ceiling debate. In other words, we would have been better off with a default. Thanks for keeping Sarah Palin’s crazy-female-Republican seat warm. Bachmann’s policy seems to be coffee-filter thin.
The Fringe:
Ron Paul: God love him! Paul always stands out in these formats because he is the only one with a strong ideological foundation that has consistent positions on issue to issue. His supporters are also the most dedicated. And his position on our long-term debt are refreshing (“End the wars and save billions!” Shouldn’t that be more obvious). But just when you start thinking he’s on to something, he advocates for the Gold Standard, a nuclear Iran, forgets the 13th amendment when comparing slavery to polygamy and you realize there’s a reason he is where he is.
Herman Cain: Just like a horror movie, there’s one black guy on stage, and he won’t last long. However, out of nowhere he had the strongest 30-second closing statement. Effectively, “I have business know-how and I will grow the country and that is what we need.” Anyways, thanks for playing.
Newt Gingrich: I don’t know if Newt knows he’s not being taken seriously. He still lets people call him speaker although he hasn’t had that role since the Back Street Boys were on top of the charts (and they’ve had about as successful of a decade as him). Anyways, I did want to mention that he did make a good point on the Super Committee (for details check out the old professor’s blog), not just calling it a dumb idea, but saying: “This is what we have Congress for, to hold important debates like this out in the open, not behind closed doors having 12 people make decisions for 500+ lawmakers.” I almost spit out my Yeungling when I realized I was agreeing with Newt Gingrich. Perhaps he should add the New Kids on the Block to his tour as well?
Rick Santorum: Even everybody on the stage can’t stand this guy. He spent plenty of air-time whining about not getting any national coverage (and you wonder why?), and then taking credit for everything Congress did while he was there, even though Congress’ actions under George W. pretty much created all of the conditions the GOP is so concerned about right now.
The Belichickian Candidate
Jon Huntsman, Jr. Being on stage with seven other candidates is a difficult format for a non-headliner, but Huntsman took two contrarian positions, and held the line on them, which demonstrated he has a back-bone, and some long-term vision. Namely: he would have voted to raise the debt-ceiling, or “The Default Vote” as he put it, reminding the other candidates, and the audience, why exactly this compromise needed to be passed (Maintaining the full faith of American credit).
And then he held his position on civil unions. Claiming that although he doesn’t define marriage that way, these people deserve rights, which isn’t the position I hold, but it is at least humanitarian, something I would not expect from a former governor of Utah.
So he doesn’t pander on two issues, and maybe those issues will preclude him from winning in Iowa, BUT he demonstrated that he had a backbone, a long-term vision for his country and won’t pander to short-term interests, which I believe are more important traits for a future president than how much they think cutting taxes will improve the economy (hint: they won’t).
So for this, Huntsman gets the Belichick note of approval, and we eagerly await the next few months, which I’m sure will be filled with more outrageous positions, Mike Huckabee on guitar, pandering and Palin! Buckle your seatbelts.
